Lonely

   I wish I was more comfortable being alone. And I am alone. All. The. Time. I don't count children as company because that's my job, to watch support, teach, and be a good example to the children I'm around. I mean relationship wise. I'm always alone. I'm in a relationship now and his has got to be a week straight getting ready for, and going to, bed alone. 

   As a kid, I was alone from age 8 on. My siblings are a decade+ older than me. Living with just my parents turned out to be hard on me. It was a hard time for all of us.  Then when I went to college, I had a roommate that went out all the time, so I found solace in the library, surrounded by people, wearing headphones. I liked being alone in my apartment because there were always people around. Granted, they were in their rooms and I was in mine, but I think I like it that way. Don't get me wrong, I'm italian and I am most definitely an extrovert, but when it comes to living quarters I may not understand what I want vs what I need. 

A birthday present

I decided a couple picture frames with photos from our Grand Canyon vaycay and of his kids growing up would make a great birthday present for Jordan. Choosing pics from his computer involved a whole lot of exes, which shouldn't bother me. Lots of kissing, and naked asses…I bet he never called them retarded or stupid or void of all common sense. Then again, maybe he did. Maybe that's why he's not with them? All I want to do is help his family. None of them lived with him when he got full custody of his kids. I just want to help. However, I hope I'm not doing more harm than good like he claims.

I pray.

   My mom used to cry like this. Never thought I would, too. As a kid, I was taught crying is a sign of weakness. When I was 13 I watched the movie 13…and subsequently began to cut myself as a release. It worked for a while. Seeing the blood and feeling the pain allowed me to cry. Justified the tears and relieved the tension I had bottled up. However, it is a weakness, crying. I still agree with my dad on that one. And I've grown weak trying to be the good example without anyone following suit. 

   I've never been a morning person. My siblings used to poke fun at me on christmas morning. I was the youngest, and normally us babies the first one up in most families. Not me. I've never been a good sleeper, though I've gotten better at it since I've been forced to get up here.  

   Owning your own business means setting your own hours. He gets up when he wants, despite telling me to wake him up, he won't get up when I try to do so. He works into all hours of the night, often coming home long after the kids fall asleep. I can't get them to be better kids and follow the rules of the house. My word is meaningless to them. But it's my fault they are this way? It probably is. 

   

   All I can do is try to set a good example. I brush my teeth, comb my hair, wash my face, and change my clothes every morning and night, unlike anyone else here. I go to bed around 10 and wake up at about 6; I tidy up the house before and after I wake up. I pray. I pray. I pray. Please God, help us. Help me help them. Please. Amen. 

These poor children…

   Jordan's (biological) oldest child is a quite the accomplished thief, always has been, I'm told. So, after having to take two shirts to the dry  cleaners with irreparable damage, i zip tied my closet shit. She and her older cousin just cut it off and raided it while I was taking the youngest child to orchestra lessons. I was furious, but really more hurt than angry. We put a key lock knob on the bedroom door, and what does she do? She gets caught at school stealing peoples clothes and money from their gym lockers!! Here's the odd part: her dresser drawers cannot even close they're so over packed with clothes! It's weird. 

   This is in addition to the 3 F's and 2D's she's getting AND!!! The truancy tickets for not going to class!! She takes the bus to school, but what does she do there?!? She has missed the equivalent of a quarter of school and the 2nd quarter just started. It's nuts. She's grounded for two weeks. I'm literally praying every night she turns her ways around…but it isn't working. For example, today when she said, "I stayed after school to make up a test," I emailed her teachers, and each of them told me she wasn't with them. One even said she hasn't seen her in a very long time. Oye vay…

   Worse yet, her younger brother thinks she's cool. So 13 year old junior is now smoking cigarettes and dope, now, too. We got skype on our tablet so while I'm gone cleaning the bank (my new 2nd job) she can tell us when they're misbehaving, but then they're mean to her. 

   Their mom keeps saying she's gonna move up here because she's getting this lump sum of money soon...it's her disability check, and the last three times she's spent it right away. Three times in the last year and a half, that we know of, she has ended up getting evicted for lack of payment. Currently, she is homeless, again, and moved in with her boyfriend, and his 4 friends. Praying cannot be the only solution. They need their mom. They need their mom to be healthy. I'm lost. I don't know what to do to help these poor children. I am in over my head. In some way, though, it's comical. How in the hell did I end up here. Ha. You've got to laugh, though, right?

My patriarch

   Growing up with a Sicilian immigrant father was, let's say, incredibly…different. I've come to realize I've inherited his anxiety, but as a man his anxiety came out as anger. I must say, however, his intentions were good. His methods for making sure his children became successful could be seen as controlling, yet effective. A 66% success rate isn't too shabby. From a young age we were trained to answer the question, "what are you going to be when you grow up?" with the answer, "a doctor!" And my older siblings did become doctors. An optometrist and a dentist with 3 kids each and all marquette graduates, including their spouses. My first semester there I got a 3.98 gpa. I graduated cum laude 4 years later with a psych major and bio minor. Took the MCAT 4 times…got the same score. 16T. 'FML' as they say…wasn't meant to be. From there, a fell. 

   I've fallen before, but this wasn't drugs. This wasn't blaming myself for other people's problems. This was all me. My failure. My hopes and dreams crushed by no one else but myself. After that last test, a year later, I found myself facing criminal charges for possession of THC. Sealing the door on my doctor dreams. No health related school or field will even accept me. Time to move on. But to what?

   I'm incredibly intelligent. I'm book smart, only, however. I wasn't made for physical labor, and i find it hard to work alongside individuals with no education making the same money. I deserve better. My dad deserves a 100% success rate. 

My now

   Two and a half years ago I was about 87 lbs on way too many scripts and OTC meds and found myself applying at a strip club. Thank god my first night as a stripper I found Jordan. He was the first one to come up and give me $20. I met him afterwards at his chef buddy's restaurant and…yeah. I should've waited but I didn't. A couple months later, my lease was up and I needed a place to stay. Needless to say, at 25 with no younger siblings, I was in way over my head moving in with him and his 4 kids.